dialogues

I have several friends who are using dating services to locate possible partners; I'm still trying to figure out how using a computer to find love works.

........

 

Three men are sitting under the partial cover of an umbrella. Palm trees line the beach in front of them and crowds of beautiful, vagrant, transvestite, European, Midwestern, Jewish, Muslim, white, black, brown, augmented and natural people walk! by. The men are sipping drinks and two of them are intently scanning the passing of humanity.

 

Mario: I just want to find a woman that I can love and have a family with.

Gene: That’s great! Are you seeing anyone now?

M: I was seeing a woman for the last six years, but we ended it in July. We were fighting all of the time and when she suggested that we break up, I let it happen.

Christopher: I’m sorry to hear that, Mario.

M: I still love her but we spent so much time after the first year caught up in school that we couldn’t go back to how it was.

G: So are you dating?

M: I want to but I want to commit and I can’t commit when I don’t know the person.

G: Commit to the dating?

M: Yeah, I just need to find someone so that I can have a family. I’m 42 you know.

G: Dude, you don’t commit to someone when you’re just dating. How do you know if they’re what you’re looking for? You need to have specific things you’re looking for and, you know, watch out for red flags.

C: What red flags do you look for, Gene?

Gene’s been looking at his cell phone and texting so Chris repeats himself.

G: What? Oh, well, there’s some things that are just absolute deal killers with the whole dating thing. Probably five or so.

M: Ok, what’s the first one?

G: Dude, the chick’s got to have friends.

Mario scratches his head and looks puzzled.

G: If she doesn't have close, long term friends, she doesn’t know how to maintain relationships.

M: I gave up all of my friends for her.

G: Male and female?

M: Yes, I wanted to commit to her. Besides, I’m a one woman guy.

G: And look where you are now. The friend network comes with the relationship and it tells you a lot about the person you’re dating. If she has no friends and doesn’t want you to have any, I’d give you a 99.9 percent chance of not making it.

Everyone sips their drinks, a frozen marguerita with salt, a mango mojito and a pomegranate mojito. While Gene and Mario talk, their eyes continue scanning the crowds.

C: Ok, what is another red flag? I figure you should have about five of them for your book on electronic dating. Five would work better for the promotional workshops you’d be doing.

G: Ha! Here’s another important red flag: watch out when they mention jealousy in their description. If someone want to avoid jealous lovers it’s almost a guarantee that they are jealous as hell themselves. That, my friends, is a deal killer. Jealousy kills all of the other things in a relationship.

M: But why shouldn’t I be jealous of her friends?

G: Dude, you can’t possess her! And you want her to have healthy relationships with other people, men and women. Think about it; you want your relationship to be healthy and positive not focused on imaginary bullshit.

Gene’s eyes latch onto a Peruvian woman with breast peaking out from the sides of a backless sheer white shirt. Mario follows suit and Christopher embarrassedly looks at the ground, the sky anywhere but the Peruvian.

G: You need to have a list of qualities that you want in the other person and then prioritize them.

C: Like a shopping list?

G: I suppose, you need a list and then cross out the women that don’t fit.

C: I’m not buying it. How do I know what qualities I’m looking for in a lover?

G: Well, I suppose you’d want someone that could listen to you, right? Someone that was awesome in the sack? Smart, beautiful…

C: I think it’s too mathematical, Gene. Too purposeful. And I’m sure there are some qualities that we need that we don’t know about in advance.

 

They all think about this for a bit. Gene taps away on his phone.

 

C: Isn't there something called 'love at first sight'?

M: Sure.

G: Yes, I haven't experienced it but it happens. But it must be just a purely physical attraction.

C: Really? Why do you think so?

G: Because it's only what you see that attracts you. You haven't heard her say a word; you don't know what she's thinking or interested in or how she is in bed. Nothing, just how she looks.

M: Yeah, Gene's right. Purely physical attraction.

C: Ok, are you both in love with that Peruvian woman that just walked by? The one with the large, unnatural breasts and perfect skin, long hair and beautiful eyes?

G: Um, she's hot but I wouldn't say I was in love.

C: Why not? Are there any physical attributes missing that you are looking for?

M: No.

C: Would you like her to have some gray hairs, wrinkles or a wart on her foot or something like that?

G: No, no she was a perfect 10.

C: But you're not in love with her. So there must be something else, something that isn't physical, perhaps something that can't be seen.

G: Yes, but that doesn't make any sense.

 

On the boardwalk, another woman walks by in stiletto heals and a sheer blue silk dress. Gene and Mario don't seem to notice. She casts a side long glance, frowns and continues walking.

 

C: So love at first sight exists, but it isn't completely based on how someone looks, or what they're interested in, what their voice sounds like, or how they behave in bed. But we agree you must see the other person, correct?

M: Yes, the sight part is important.

C: Wouldn't you agree that the experience is a kind of recognition, like when you first see someone you know again? Or even a kind of remembering, like deja vu?

G: Yes, that fits with what I've heard about it.

C: What is doing the recognizing?

G: The brain.

C: Really? Is the brain actually remembering something that it has seen before?

G: No, that doesn't make sense.

C: So it's something else then. Look at your hand; what is seeing it?

M: My eyes. (laughing)

C: So your eyes and your hand are different, right? If you see something, you and that something are two different things. Here it's your eyes and your hand. And not only that, it's 'your' hand.

G: Ok, that makes sense.

C: Are you thinking right now. Do you notice yourself thinking about love?

M: Yes.

C: If the thinking is happening in 'your' brain, what is doing the noticing?

G: Something like the soul or spirit maybe.

C: So this 'soul' exists independently of the brain, perceives things that aren't physical and is somehow involved in love.

G: Yes, that's right.

C: So love at first sight and perhaps love itself is a recognition by a soul or spirit, perhaps even a recognition of someone else's soul or spirit. How does your dating service account for that?

G: Chris, you are such a romantic.
C: I suppose so.